BLUERINSE LAKES, AU – On what was shaping up to be a perfect Saturday morning for three rowdy twenty-somethings ready to crush some hidden beers and bomb drives, local club pro Gary “The Enforcer” Malloy reportedly couldn’t wait to inject a dose of pure chaos into their round by pairing them with the most feared solo golfer in the state: 78-year-old Margaret “Marge” Oldbitty.
“I saw those boys laughing on the practice green and I thought, ‘Not on my course,’” said Malloy, polishing his Oakleys and sipping black coffee brewed from pure spite. “They were about to have fun. I had to act.”
The trio — Jackson, Chad, and Jaxson — had just cracked their first hard seltzers and were discussing whether to play music from a speaker or just loudly yell for the entire round when Club Pro Malloy approached with a clipboard and a smirk.
“Lads,” he said, “I’m slotting in a single with you. She’s a regular. Plays fast. Doesn’t tolerate nonsense. You’ll love her. Enjoy.”
Enter Marge Oldbitty, dressed in a pressed lavender polo and known for her 160-meter fairway lasers, who greeted the group with a reminder that “Golf is a gentleman’s game, not a Bucks Party.”
“She called me ‘young man’ and told me to tuck in my shirt,” said Jacxson, visibly shaken. “I haven’t been this scared since my mum found my vape.”
Sources say Marge proceeded to play the front nine in near silence, except to correct Jaxxcson’s grip, Chad’s alignment, and Jackxxsunn’s grammar.
Malloy, watching from the clubhouse window, reportedly fist-pumped after Marge forced the group to rake bunkers properly, even the ones they hadn’t entered, and report their scores with integrity.
“I live for this,” he said “Golf isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be character-building. And nothing builds character like being emotionally dismantled by a retired librarian with a 32 handicap.”
The threesome was last seen quietly loading their clubs into the trunk, with Jyakkxsarn vowing to never speak during a backswing again.
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