LITIGOUS MEADOWS, USA – In a groundbreaking class-action lawsuit, thousands of golfers who used the infamous Nike SQ Sumo and Sasquatch drivers between 2005 and 2011 may finally receive justice, and possibly hearing aids.
The suit alleges that the drivers, known for their notorious “explosive” sound at impact, caused irreversible auditory trauma, tinnitus, and in one extreme case, a hostage standoff after police mistook the sound for gunshots on a Sunday afternoon.
“I thought I was bombing drives,” said plaintiff Greg Herring “but apparently I was just bombing my eardrums, which is why I’m suing…What’s that?…No, I don’t think I’ll get constipation. What a weird thing to ask.”
Experts say the sound produced by the SQ driver was measured at decibel levels rivaling jet engines, Pantera concerts, and the collective groan of a foursome realising they’re behind a slow group.
Nike, which exited the golf equipment business in 2016, maintains that the driver was “Ahead of its time”, though critics argue it was more likely “Ahead of OSHA regulations.”
Golfers who believe they were affected are encouraged to contact the law firm of Slice, Hook & Duff, which specialises in niche golf-related trauma.
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